Ask Lianne
Here is your chance to pose your questions to her and get a female perspective about any questions you might have that you need advice for. She'll respond to selected questions with her answers for you right here.
October 22, 2006
Dear Liane,
I am getting back together with my ex-boyfriend and I am trying my hardest to make things better than they were before. We used to fight almost constantly. How can we avoid having so many disagreements so things will be better this time around?
Well, the first thing you must ask yourself is, did you have good reasons to fight, or were the fights trivial and unnecessary? I believe that for the most part, people should not "get back together" after the first time, because obviously there were big enough problems that caused the initial breakup. Of course when you find yourself single again it's hard not to yearn for the good times and happiness you had with your ex. But if you really did have huge differences that caused constant fighting, it's better to stay broken up. If you find yourself missing him, remind yourself why the breakup happened, and keep yourself available and open for a more compatible relationship.
Sometimes, on the other hand, the "attached" feeling that develops in a relationship can make a person overly emotional, leading to fights over things that don't really matter. If this is the case, the couple should learn what is worth fighting over and what is not. Here are a few things to remember:
1. Don't turn a misunderstanding into a fight. Example: your boyfriend makes a remark out of the blue that seems hurtful and mean. Before you get all fired up, clarify whether or not he meant to hurt you. If he did intend to be malicious, then he was being immature and insensitive and you have a right to be mad at him. (Hurting each other with words is emotional abuse.) But if he was really only kidding or said something that accidentally slipped out wrong, then it was a misunderstanding and you don't have a right to blame him for "hurting" you. If you are sensitive about a certain issue, explain it to him and let him know it's important to you that he understands it. If he is open and ready for a relationship, he will try to understand your feelings.
2. Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If you know that your guy truly cares about you, then you should choose to initially trust him if you think something suspicious is going on. Interrogating him when he is innocent will make him resent you. It's better to avoid a potential fight because usually you will find out that you had no reason to doubt him at all. (But of course if you find out that he is lying, cheating, or misleading you, then you should leave him behind. Show him you will not put up with dishonesty because you are worth more than that.)
3. "Pick and choose your battles." Probably the most challenging aspect of a relationship is the complete acceptance of your partner. People will only change if they choose to (most of which comes with maturity). Sometimes small habits can change for the better, but personality traits, generally speaking, can't be changed. Agitated or annoyed at his behavior? Before taking any action, pause and decide whether or not that thing is important enough to fight about. If not -- take a deep breath, count to ten, and the frustration should taper off. Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. If the problem is trivial, don't make it a bigger issue than it is, and try to have calm discussions rather than fights.
Sure, we all love affection, companionship and having a connection with someone else. However, I am a huge advocate of being single while you're still finding and establishing yourself. Take the time to learn about yourself, others, and life, and cultivate your talents and independence. This will give you some amazing confidence and make you into the kind of woman that make men weak in the knees. By the time you reach that point, you will no longer need love from a man because you love and accept yourself. Only then can you have a truly healthy relationship, where the love you get from another person will only add to your self-content.
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Lianne grew up near Berkeley, California and went from a quiet and shy girl to a woman who is now a professional model, actress, photographer, artist, and hair stylist.
Find out more about Lianne here: www.liannelin.com
Photos used by permission courtesy of Lianne Lin (www.liannelin.com). Photos are copyrighted by Lianne Lin.